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My parents have been fighting for a while, and I really want it to end. How do I stop it without getting yelled at?


My parents have been fighting for a while, and I really want it to end. How do I stop it without getting yelled at?óRochelle.

Tiffany Answers:

Dear Rochelle,

It is always hard to face situations with our parents when they let their “humanness” show. We depend on our parents to be a lot of things: our confidants, our encouragers, our spiritual leaders, our financial support, our guidance, and simply put, our safe havens. When parents make mistakes, it is often very jarring because they are supposed to be the ones we depend on, not the ones we feel we have to counsel. But the fact is all of us are sinners saved by grace, and the older we get, the more aware we are going to become that parents are human, and sometimes they may not get it right 100 percent of the time.

So what’s your role in all of this? First of all, remember that while parents may mess up, we are still commissioned by our heavenly Father to respect them. Just because they are not getting it right in this area does not mean you have the green light to treat them like garbage or to disrespect them. They are human, but they are also the humans who brought you into this world, who support you, and whom God entrusted to take care of you.

Like you would do for a friend or loved one who needs some guidance, pray for them. Bring it up to God during your daily devotional time. Believe it or not, it truly does make a difference, and you need to trust that it does. You cannot expect to solve the issues of two grown individuals who may be in disharmony about things beyond your understanding. But God can intercede in ways you cannot. Remember, the answer may not always be what we want, but our best interest is always preserved if we depend on Him.

Now, while you cannot solve issues between your parents, you can tell your parents how their fighting makes you feel. The issues between them may not be solved overnight, but there are ways to make you and any siblings you may have still feel safe and cared for in spite of it all. Pray for discernment on the appropriate time to do this (and I will say avoid times during or immediately after an argument), but go to one or both parents and let them know your feelings. Don’t, and I repeat, don’t try to challenge them on their arguments or say “You two know you shouldn’t be arguing” or “Why can’t you stop fighting?” Do tell them how their arguing makes you worry, makes you feel hurt, scared, afraid. Let them see the picture of what their arguing does to you emotionally. This is one of those times you want to focus on yourself. Reach out to another dependable older adult, such as an aunt or uncle, family friend, or pastor, to aid you if need be.

Usually with this type of conversation, the protective mechanisms in a parent will kick in, and he or she will try to work on solutions to alleviate your stress. Please realize that this isn’t going to necessarily “fix” the issues between them, but it should help to get you to the place where you can sleep at night peacefully, knowing that though Mom and Dad may have issues, their love for you is solid, and they will always be there for you.

I am keeping your situation in prayer! God bless.

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